soozun's ramblings

just something I was thinking about

2008-05-17T01:27:00.001-07:00

I was thinking tonight. I decided that I have the perfect comeback for people who want to tear apart other people's creative ventures. I simply want to ask them what they have ever done creatively. I'd really like to know. Because it seems like the most uncreative people are the ones who want to sit on their high horse and tear apart the things that other people are trying to accomplish. Take for example (because I am obsessed with the band "Sweet") how people who are fans of the band will often diss the early songs, saying it's chinn-chapman crap. They act like a song isn't valid unless it was written by the band. But how many great songs were written for musical artists such as, to take one brilliant example, Johnny Cash. He has had incredible songs written for him. I'm thinking of "Sunday Morning Coming Down" which was written for him by Kris Kristofferson.

I think I made my point.

hair fiasco; cooking; no energy today

2008-04-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had my hair cut and blow dryed straight. My hair is normally wavy. So I thought it would be interesting to see how it looked if the hairstylist tried to straighten it. She did such a good job. She said that her hairdryer was a special ionic dryer that she can order for clients but it costs $200. I didn't order one! But I loved how my hair looked and felt. It was really straight and felt like silk.

Last night, my husband was amazed at my hair. He said it looked "really different" which is his way of saying he likes it. But then he made me laugh because this morning, when he saw it was still straight, he asked, "How much longer till it frizzes out?"

I guess the answer was "Not much longer" because I washed it and tried to dry it the same way with a hairdryer my mom gave me that is ionic too. But I evidently didn't do something right because I ended up with a caveman hairdo. Too funny!

I guess I'll go back to "wash and go" style. My hair looks the healthiest when I don't blow dry it. I have a lot of wave to my hair, so it kinda does look "styled".

Today I am feeling so fatigued! I don't know why! I don't think I'll be able to take my daily walk anyhow because I have to cook some special food for an event I will attend tomorrow. But I would be tempted to stay home even if I had nothing to do. I just don't feel very energetic right now. I am wondering why. I know my diet has not been perfect the last couple of days, but it's pretty darn good. I am still eating all whole foods, and I am being careful to not eat too much at one time.

I guess I'll just drink more coffee and alternate with water, and hope that the cool evening air will perk me up.

Back to cooking...(I'm making stuffed mushrooms and a brown rice salad. Yummy!)

p.s. I am listening to Sweet today, the last 3 albums. Thanks E.!!!

a low moment

2008-04-19T00:10:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling sad right now. I can't do anything right. the end.

Sweet lifts me up when I am down

2008-04-17T21:07:00.001-07:00

It's strange how people can have such different ideas about the same thing. I love Sweet. Their music is very upbeat, energizing, and joyful to me. (I know some of their lyrics can be morbid at times, but for the most part, to me this music gets me in a good mood and makes me feel alive).

My husband walked in to the kitchen this morning, and I happened to be listening to a Sweet youtube video. I commented to him that I am not feeling well today, and he said, "It must be all that depressing music you listen to." I was like HUH? So I have a policy if my music is distasteful to him, I won't subject him to it. I just turn it off. He's not home for most of the day anyhow. So I can blast my music after he's gone. But it was still kinda weird to me how he could think that Sweet is depressing. I love Sweet!

some sayings that made me smile

2008-04-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

Usually I hate these type of things, but I read this on the internet and it had some good ones (I'll put the good ones in bold font):

Here are some great ways of dealingwith the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did.

boring day

2008-04-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

I took a brisk walk today and listened to the songs that I had not heard yeat on "Cut Above The Rest" and "Identity Crisis". Very cool records. I love 'em. I am glad they went on to make so much music. Was it really 10 years? Do they still make money off the sale of their old music on CD?

I'm so dead beat tonight. Dead tired. I walked and walked and then played with daughter on the local playground. Had a funny conversation with one of the dads there with his 2 kids. He's a nice man. Second time I have seen him.

Nothing much else to add about the day. I saw a squirrel run across the rooftop of the building next to me. That's about as exciting as my day got. Also, all my friends and loved ones called me on the phone right before I was on my way out the door to exercise. It was as if everyone and everything was tempting me to just stay home. But I said "No, I gotta go walk now" and kept hanging up the phone.

I also realized that my husband is going to be on vacation when Steve Priest is performing. Now I have a dilemma because if I go to the gig, then I'll be leaving my honey at home. He doesn't like Sweet and doesn't want to go. He's not against me going. But I was thinking about what matters most to me: My husband or seeing a favorite band. Do I want to go without him? I'm just not sure if I want to go now. I guess I need to talk to my brother and see if he bought the tickets yet. If he didn't, then maybe I won't go. It seems a shame, but the timing is really strange because my husband rarely has vacation and so he's usually working on a Friday night.

Sweet is way cool!

2008-04-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

Um yeah, Sweet is way cool. I actually wrote a long message here and now it vanished due to a computer glitch. I guess it was mean to be!!!

today: cleaning kitchen & listening to Sweet

2008-04-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

Today, a workman came over to my apartment to fix the doorbell. He had to come in to the kitchen to install a new chime box. I was sooooooo embarrassed because my kitchen has turned in to an outpost of hell! I have turned my kitchen table and my computer desk in to storage dump sites. And I got behind on the dishes a few days, so it looked not only cluttered but also dirty. *hangs head in shame*

I think I'll distract myself from my existential pain by posting a stupid question on thesweet.com! Nothing like acting like an idiot to entertain myself!

Ok, I made a couple airbrained comments. So what. It's all fun. I love the band and I am enraptured with their songs, which are all new to me as I listen to them for the first time. Every day, I find new songs that I love. The band that just keeps giving more and more gold.

Now I am back to working on my kitchen. I have to somehow get rid of the clutter. It looks crazy!!!!

April is "Make Love Month"?

2008-04-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

I just got a spam message with the subject line, "April is Make Love Month". I wonder if that really is true? I doubt it. But I thought it was funny, nonetheless. Yay! It's April! Make Love!*

*You should be married first and also be in good health for procreative activities.

Water's Edge

2008-04-15T00:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a friend, I am able to listen to "Water's Edge". Wow! These guys rocked till the very end, didn't they? I think they were still producing great albums, even though they didn't have Brian anymore. And I am personally glad to get the chance to hear songs with Steve and Andy and Mick on lead vocals. There is a whole new feeling that comes through. Although, I have to say: I love Brian's voice.

There is so much to enjoy from these guys. My biggest gripe at the moment is that this album is not available on CD. Bummer! It was available at one time, but not now. I guess I'd be pretty lucky to find a used copy of this CD, right? But that's ok. I have the ability to hear the songs and spend the time with them.

thesweet.com forums are down at the moment. I guess it's good because I'd just be posting there some silly question such as "What is the weird head on the 'Identity Crisis' album?"

some thoughts on music in my life

2008-04-14T23:40:00.001-07:00

What a wonderful day! I couldn't stop smiling this evening. I felt so content! Some good things happened today.

It all involves music. Why is music such a balm to the soul? If you are feeling down, music can lift your spirits. If you are happy, music goes with your good feelings. If you are troubled, music can be a comfort. I'm not saying music is everything. Maybe I am exagerrating. But I feel like music comes along with you during all the different times in your life. People have been doing music from the beginning of time. It is a gift, that's for sure.

Right now, I am in a battle for my health and my way of life. I have been struggling with illness for a few months, and I got so scared that I might lose everything. Music joined with me to affirm my life and to lift my mood and increase my energy. I can't say how fun it has been to get some exercise while listening to 'The Sweet'. Upbeat happy music (well, at least some of it!) has been helpful. I'm seriously considering buying some more music, although money is tight, as usual.

I have always wanted to be able to play the guitar. I'm promising myself right now that I am going to get some lessons and learn some songs so that I can sing and play the guitar for myself. I don't care how I sound. I'm not going to play in front of anyone. I just want to be able to comfort myself with some songs. I have this really nice beginners guitar that has a lot of vibration in the body when you play it. It will be so nice to hold my guitar against my body and get that vibration going. (FYI: breedlove atlas series). I need to stop procrastinating. I mean, I can goof around with my guitar starting tomorrow. But then I can look for some lessons that will keep me interested. I know a guy at my church who might teach me for a reasonable fee.

Tonight, I ate something kinda unhealthy, for the first time in a few weeks. My husband wanted to get hamburgers, and at first I was just going to go along with him and watch him eat. But then I realized I was hungry and could have a meal at that time. So I had a plain hamburger (no cheese, no mayonnaise) with french fries and a diet coke. It's not the worst thing you can eat. But it's still got a lot of fat in it. I have been feeling so much better since I got the fat out of my diet. So tomorrow, I will get back to eating healthy foods. Tonight, I will go sleep and dream. Hopefully I have good dreams for a change! Last night, I dreamt that I visited my sister-in-law after she gave birth to my neice, and I got in a huge argument with the nurse about how they were treating my SIL. I must be having anxiety about the idea of having another child.

more love and dreams for vacation

2008-04-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today my husband saw me typing something so he stopped to see what I was writing. When he realized that I was writing about Steve Priest, he said, "You are always writing about Sweet. You never write about me." And I was so overjoyed to be able to say, "no no, not at all true. I have been writing a lot about you lately." So then he listened as I read the last 2 entries I have made about him in this blog. He seemed deeply impressed that I was thinking about him so deeply and passionately.

Of course, we spent the day taking care of the young one. But tonight, I hope that we can cozy up together and watch a favorite movie or something, just the 2 of us.

I hope that tonight, we can take a long walk. I want to go walkingwhen it's cooling off, around 7 p.m. It's such a great time of day to get outside and stroll about. I'm really enjoying this new "health kick" I am on, mainly because it is so uncharacteristic of me. I have always been very sedentary. I don't think I have been active since I was a little kid, before puberty. I've been lazy ever since puberty, basically. But I see that it's not so hard to get active. You just have to take it slow and work every day to go a little further. It's hard to dislike walking when it's so beautiful outside.

I should be in good shape for a vacation in 2 or 3 months. I would like to drive up the coast, along the Pacific Coast Highway. I'd stop for lunch in Cambria. Then camp in Big Sur one or 2 nights. Then I would go to Monterey and visit the aquarium, perhaps sight see. Then I would go to Santa Cruz for a night or 2, and ride the narrow gauge train from the beach to the Red wood forests. Then i'd drive back home in one day on the 5 freeway. It would be SUPER fun! But I am thinking perhaps my husband would rather take it easy and stay local during our vacation time.

Oh well. It's fun to think about. So I don't really care either way as long as I get to spend time with him. Because I really really love him so much.

do not adjust your television set...

2008-04-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about how I always have this feeling like I don't belong anywhere and I don't fit in well with any group of people. I always like people a lot and want to get along. But then something in me starts whispering, "You're a rolling stone, with no direction home, like a complete unknown..." to quote Bob Dylan badly.

It's just a feeling. But I do feel profoundly alienated at times. If it weren't for having family (no matter the arguments and bad feelings at times), I would have no sense of belonging at all. I don't feel completely accepted by family. I have troubled relationships with some of my family members, but for the most part, we accept each other, warts and all. There is a comforting consistency in the relationship, even in the dysfunctional behaviors.

Today I was at a local park and I had a realization. I live in an ethnic neighborhood. I sometimes hear people say bad things about the immigrant class that lives here. But I realized that the reason people hate immigrants is because they have a sense of community and we "Americans" don't, for the most part. We can't stand that they make an effort to live near each other and that they congregate together, and they shop at their little hole in the wall stores. They talk to each other. They have their elderly parents living with the adult children, and I see the grand parents bringing the grand kids to the park. They seem to know each other. It's really cool, actually.

I will never experience that in my life...that is unless I joined a hardcore religious society or cult. So I think that explains to some degree my feeling of being in a no man's land, or being lost somewhere without a clue as to how to get back where I belong. Where do I belong? I have a neighborhood that I grew up in, but I can't afford to live there anymore. I can visit my mom and dad from time to time, but they have made it clear that I am not welcome to ever move back in. I admit to sometimes having fantasies that I can move back home and live in my old bedroom. But I can't turn back time. I can't go back. My past is dead to me and I have to move forward without a clear sense of direction or destination. I move from one place to another, seeking something better and finding new problems wherever I go. It's a weird feeling.

I'm not saying my life is horrible. It's just puzzling. My life is worse than mysterious, it is a conundrum. I'm comfortable with not knowing exactly why things happen the way they do. I think that is because I have faith in the supreme intelligence and goodness of God. But I don't expect any hints or leadings. I just find that life continues on with a sense of my not having a clue as to why things happen the way they do.

They say that when you are at the end of your life, things make sense as you look back over the whole lifetime of events. But is that really true? Don't a lot of people get rather confused and senile when the reach the upper numbers of their lifespan?

Ok, I'm just in a creepy, outer limits sort of mood. I think I will watch some outer limits tonight! Now that makes good sense!

How does it feel?
How does it feel,
To be on your own,
With no direction home,
Like a complete unknown,
Like a rolling stone?

loving him so much

2008-04-12T14:24:00.001-07:00

Once again, my husband touched my soul. I love him so much. I want us to live forever so we can be together always. I am getting such a feeling of warmth in my chest when I think about how much I adore him. I'm so grateful for him. He was sent. I know.

I've been trying to figure out a way to get away with him, maybe on a weekend trip. It doesn't look like we can make the time for it. Money is tight, always. So I need to figure out an inexpensive trip. I'm thinking either camping or perhaps getting the keys to my parent's house in the mountains. I just want to spend time with him alone. It is hard when you have a child because everything revolves around the little one.

Today's lunch was awesome. I made a salad out of brown rice, black beans, garbanzo beans, yellow corn kernals, green onion, and mixed veggies with fat free italian dressing, salsa, and a little olive oil. I ate some on a bed of romaine lettuce. I eat this and hope and pray that I get better. Healthy food really is very good once you get in to the habit of eating it. It's as if you have to clear your palate of sugar and salt and high fat food. Then you can appreciate the taste of good natural food. I haven't had any symptoms for a couple of weeks, so I am hoping that my illness was just "one of those things". I am going to see another doctor on Monday to rule out a few things and get more tests.

I'm so excited that Steve Priest is playing again. I've run across this cool dude on youtube who has a lot of the later Sweet albums with Steve singing the songs. I really do like them. I wonder if there is anyone who would be willing to sell me some CD's or at least make some tapes for me. I'll have to ask on thesweet.com but I have to wait until I am ready to actually send some money or something.

love love love

2008-04-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

My husband is so amazing to me. It's like he was made, just for me. Tonight he really took me by surprise. He listens to me. He's gentle. He's really into me. He makes me feel beautiful. I have a lot to be thankful for. He is quite a man.

feeling better and enjoying some fun times

2008-04-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

I have been really busy lately with taking care of myself. I am on a special diet to manage my health problems. It's basically a very low fat diet of all whole foods. It takes a lot of planning, preparation and clean up. Because when you cook, you dirty a ton of dishes. And I'm cooking sometimes 3 times a day for each meal! I'm going to try to get organized and cook in bulk on the weekend. Then I can freeze stuff and cook less during the week.

I'm also taking a lot of exercise, because even though I know I am sick, I am feeling pretty darn good. I figure that if I have the energy, I should exercise.

My doctor suggested that perhaps I had a gall stone and I passed it. So that might explain why I am doing better now. If I did...the sucker was the size of a golf ball to make me so sick!

I hope that I can just put all that bad stuff behind me, and move forward. The spring is absolutely glorious in Southern California right now. I took my daughter on a long walk and then to the park for an hour. We were having the time of our lives. It's funny how you enjoy the simplest things after an illness.

Tomorrow I am going to the zoo, either in the morning or perhaps in the late afternoon. It should be fun, as usual.

Now I need to go do some dishes again! I'll put on my yellow rubber gloves, crank up some Sweet, and do a Brian Connolly impression (pointing, hand on hip, etc.) I hope to actually get some dishes done too!

a very strange dream about Steve Priest

2008-04-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

I almost hate to write about this because it's kinda strange to me...ok maybe a little embarrassing. But in the wee hours of the morning, I had a dream that I was Steve Priest's girlfriend and I was moving in with him. He was probably twice my age, but he looked like how he did back in the seventies. So, that made me about 13? 15? I looked almost like a little girl, how girls look at about age 12 or 13. That was odd to me when I woke up.

But then the rest of the dream just got stranger. We had met and hit it off, so he brought me home with him on an impulse (like "Hey, be my woman!" caveman kinda thing), but then he wasn't that nice to me. As soon as the door shut behind us, he just said something like, "Hate to do this, babe. But I'm busy. Gotta work. See ya later!" and then he just turned around and left me in his house. I was thinking that it sucked since he could have at least kissed me goodbye or promised to meet me later to spend time together. But no, it was like "See ya! I'm busy!" I felt so let down. It was the complete opposite of romance.

I always think that dreams have more to do with how you are feeling inside, and not about anything external. So I wonder if this relates to the way I am feeling about myself right now.

I just realized there are song's off the "Water's Edge" album (or known as "VI"), sung by Steve Priest, that go well with my dream:
"Getting in the Mood for Love"
"Give the Lady Some Respect"

But there is no song on the album called "I'm a workaholic and have no time for my woman". lol

It's weird that there are Sweet songs that could be the soundtrack for my dream. Was I channeling the "Water's Edge" album?

just boring-ness here...still sick, finding ways to enjoy myself

2008-04-09T11:47:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling much better, but I did end up having to go to the emergency room about a week and half ago. I had chills, fever and nausea for over 24 hours. It sucked to have to sit in the ER waiting room for over 6 hours to be seen by doctor's who could not figure out what is wrong with me. That was the 4th attack I have had in the past 2 months.

Boring boring boring.

On the positive side: My brother said he would be willing to go see Steve Priest Sweet with me!

I'm actually feeling pretty good these days, eating only pure, whole foods and taking walks in the morning. I'm going to become a diehard health nut, after all the health related problems.

I recently bought some new video games that are kicking my butt. I know it's childish to play video games...but I need something to get my mind off all my problems. I tend to like escapist hobbies, such as reading, playing video games, and browsing the internet for hours. Things you can get lost in are the best.

I'm going to get my hair cut soon, and I am going to try dyeing it at home. Nothing too shocking. Just a way to enhance the natural color and add shine. I want to buy new shoes soon too. I want something different, a little flashy. I'm not sure what I want exactly.

I'm also seriously thinking of buying some old fashioned, chunky wheels rollerskates. I come to find out: they call them "quads" now. How lame. Those stupid inline skates are not real rollerskates. They should call them something else.

boring boring health problems

2008-03-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

I've actually become more ill recently. Still have not heard what exactly is causing this. But I experienced more than 24 hours of nausea, low grade fever and chills. This is at least the third attack in the past month. So I went to the ER and spent 12 hours there, only to hear that they think it might be appendicitis. But they are not sure. So I have to follow up with my doctor. And if I get another fever or have pain, I need to go back to the ER. I'm worried but for some reason, I am also feeling fairly calm about it all. There is not much I can do aside from eat carefully and be cautious with myself right now. Time will tell what the problem is. I guess! I think my pain would steadily get worse if I have appendicitis. If the problem is gall bladder disease, I will gradually get sicker, I think.

It's all so boring being sick. I just want to go outside and be active because the weather is so beautiful here. It was cooler the past couple of days but still sunny. I did go to the local mall briefly today. And I took a short walk even though I feel ill.

Now I get to spend the rest of the evening alone because my husband is studying for a class he's taking.

I'm supposed to be making royal icing daisies, perhaps 5 or 6 dozen. I have to make a cake for my sister-in-law's baby shower. But I might have to disappoint her and cancel the order because of my health crisis. Perhaps tomorrow I will mix some icing and try to start. If I can get them all made this week, then maybe I can still do it. Otherwise, my health might become worse at some point.

muscle cars are cool!

2008-03-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously considering buying a muscle car. I just think they are cool. I am looking at pictures on the internet and considering the various makes and models. A friend just called so I'm talking to her. Friends, good friends, are great to have.

healthy eating; star trek; santa cruz, narrow gauge trains; Easter

2008-03-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll ever eat In 'n Out again. One chocolate shake (15 oz.) has more calories and fat grams than a comparable amount of chocolate ice cream (2 cups of Breyer's chocolate). And the only hamburger that is even remotely acceptable as far as calories and fat is the plain hamburger without the sauce on it. And what fun is that? It's a place you eat when you don't care about calories, sodium fat, etc. I have recently had a paradigm shift in my thinking about food. I just can't eat that way anymore. It's self abuse to eat fast food. I really don't think there is any healthy fast food. I was wondering if maybe El Pollo Loco might be considered somewhat more healthy. Perhaps that is one place to eat if I am absolutely desperate for a take-out meal:

http://www.elpolloloco.com/menu/healthydinning.html

Today was one of those days. We just rushed around trying to get everything done. The most fun I had was eating dinner and watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine with my husband. We have both become hardcore Trekkies. We've watched the whole original series of Star Trek in order, and then Star Trek: Next Generation, and now currently we are on Season 3 of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Next we might buy Star Trek: Voyager. And that's probably where we will stop. Or maybe we will stop with Deep Space Nine. It's hard to say where I draw the line because as I watch more and more of the different shows, I keep expanding my ideas of what I enjoy in the Star Trek universe. I have always liked sci-fi. So I guess it's natural to check out what Star Trek has to offer. There are a lot of great movies to buy or rent, not just the Star Trek movies, but I mean also the great 50's and 60's and 70's sci-fi movies. I also like fantasy movies. But I am definitely on a sci-fi kick these days.

I've been daydreaming about taking a weekend trip. I want to go to Santa Cruz and ride on the narrow gauge train from the beach to the redwood forest. That's a fun trip. I did it once before, many years ago. But time and money are hard to find these days.

Easter was a blast, by the way. I dressed my daughter up really cute. And she got a ton of neat Easter surprises: stuffed animals, books, toys, and a little bit of candy (all things safe for toddlers to eat, such as a couple chocolate eggs and some marshmallows). It's just a joy to see children enjoying things, at least when they are small enough to not be spoiled or jaded. I couldn't eat any candy but it was ok. I take that back, I had some jelly beans but avoided all the chocolate and cake. I brought some healthy chicken to eat, rather than having the pork. It kinda sucks having to be so careful with food. But almost everything makes me sick now. There was a mix-up at my doctor's office and I almost got lost in the mess. I had to call and straighten it out. Now I'll have to wait a little longer to get the necessary tests to figure out what is wrong with me. Hopefully it is nothing serious and I can get taken care of in an appropriate time frame.

a disturbing day

2008-03-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to the sound of my downstairs neighbors having a fight. I was tempted to just keep sleeping, but then something was thrown up at the ceiling so hard that I felt the vibration through my bed. We ended up calling the police. I am hoping that nobody was hurt. It is always scary to hear a domestic "disturbance" when you live in an apartment building.

Today I am feeling a little less nauseated because I am only eating fat-free foods: vegetables and soups and fruit, plus a small amount of saltine crackers. I have very little energy because I can't eat very much. But I am glad that my stomach seems to be able to digest something. I hope that I can get this problem resolved very soon. Need to call the doctor!

Easter is just around the corner. I thought it was funny that on the list of acceptable foods (for my medical condition), it mentioned the jelly beans are OK for me to have. I guess I can celebrate by keeping a pocketful of jelly beans to nibble on. Woo-wee!

grotesque figures of the most gorgeous kind

2008-03-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still sick and I am still reading Martin Chuzzlewit. What an amazing book. Everytime I sit down and read a few pages, I am rewarded so much. An early reviewer says (of the characters): "grotesque figures of the most gorgeous kind". Those are my favorite kind of people!

Here is a wonderful description of a new character named Montague Tigg:

The gentleman was of that order of appearance which is currently termed shabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly be said to have been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long way out of his gloves, and the soles of his feet were at an inconvenient distance from the upper leather of his boots. His nether garments were of a bluish grey -- violent in its colours once, but sobered now by age and dinginess -- and were so stretched and strained in a tough conflict between his braces and his straps, that they appeared every moment in danger of flying asunder at the knees. His coat, in colour blue and of a military cut, was buttoned and frogged up to his chin. His cravat was, in hue and pattern, like one of those mantles which hairdressers are accustomed to wrap about their clients, during the progress of the professional mysteries. His hat had arrived at such a pass that it would have been hard to determine whether it was originally white or black. But he wore a moustache -- a shaggy moustache too: nothing in the meek and merciful way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style: the regular Satanic sort of thing -- and he wore, besides, a vast quantity of unbrushed hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and very mean; very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who might have been something better, and unspeakably like a man who deserved to be something worse.

`You were eaves-dropping at that door, you vagabond!' said this gentleman.

Mr. Pecksniff cast him off, as Saint George might have repudiated the Dragon in that animal's last moments, and said:

`Where is Mrs. Lupin, I wonder! can the good woman possibly be aware that there is a person here who --'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now...back to being ill...

I'm sick!

2008-03-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite surreal. I became violently ill at my husband's parents' house. After about 2 or 3 hours of agony, I was finally able to leave and drive home. Thankfully, I wasn't ill in the car. It's a long drive of over an hour. Last night, I had trouble sleeping but then this morning, I woke up feeling almost totally improved. I think that I am OK now. But I made an appointment with my doctor to see if perhaps I am suffering from an organ problem. It seems suspicious that I have had 2 serious attacks like this in less than a month.

Today, I am going to try to visit my parents at some point so that we can have some corned beef and potatoes. I'm a little nervous about eating something like that. But I think it will be a good test to see if fatty food makes me sick again. Then I will strongly suspect gall bladder stones. Let's hope it is not. I don't want any surgery!

My daughter had fun yesterday playing with her cousin, Colin. They chased each other for about an hour straight. Now she is sleeping in and seems content to stay in bed despite the fact that it is almost 10 a.m. Everyone was loving on her. Her new haircut (a pageboy hair cut) was adored by all.

I am worried about my health. I'm trying to lose some weight. Having a gall bladder problem would make the whole thing more difficult, I think. I have to trust in the Lord because my very breath is in his hands. "the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways" (Daniel 5:23 NKJV)

That's so sweet. My mother-in-law just called to see how I am feeling. She wants me to go to the doctor tomorrow, even if I have to see the doctor on call. I might go if I feel ill again.

Right now I feel pretty normal. Just hungry. But I am being cautious and just ate some dry toast and had a cup of tea.

One thing I am disappointed about is that I am having to drop out of a Parent Education class because of my inability to attend for the past month. I have been ill so much and have missed 4 classes in a row. The teacher was very understanding but I finally told her to drop me from the roster because I think I'm seriously ill.

I want more than anything to improve my health, lose weight, get strong, and have a great time over the next few years. I guess it is important to get medical treatment. But I would like to be able to just get better on my own by eating healthy and getting exercise. Time will tell what it is going to be: medical misery or healthy improvement.

2008-03-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

I am so tired right now. I spent the day well, doing the things I need to do to have a healthy day. I went on a walk and enjoyed the light rain in Los Angeles right now. It felt good to let myself get rained on a little. Why not? I noticed that nobody was at the park, and so a little rain scared everyone away. I have to go lay out my clothes for tomorrow. I need to be up bright and early. Hopefully all will be quiet tonight. I have trouble sleeping if there is any noise at all.

I wish that the whole world and every living creature upon it was under my control. I would make everyone be nice all the time. It might be a boring world but I would be happy. Everyone would love each other and be charming, all the time. If people had to be miserable, at least they could be clever about it, like some characters in a Dickens novel.

enough for now. everyone must go to bed. I am tired. Be nice over there. *lights out*

a much much much better day

2008-03-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

The beauty of sleep...

waking up with a new mood and a new perspective
having new stores of energy
wanting to start again

Today was a good day! So far, I have:

1. Played
2. Prayed
3. Eaten good food
4. Listened to music I love
5. Talked with sweet people
6. Received a package in the mail from a friend (!!!)
7. Received more Sweet photos from a lovely person
8. Seen purple flowers so bright they make your soul feel tight in your chest
9. Kissed and hugged my husband
10. Heard my daughter say "I love you momma" for the very first time (!!!!!)

Too many blessings are coming my way. It's a happy feeling. So I can forgive and forget the bad things. I have to look forward to what is coming and move forward with as much dignity as I can. Although I still mess up and do dumb things. Having a sense of humor is very good for being able to cope with the stresses of life.

So I quote Larry Norman: "Come on! Come on! Let the tape keep rolling! Let your faith keep growing! Let your love keep showing!" Yeah that is so good.

I wish my daughter would wake up from her nap so that I can crank up some Sweet! I guess I'll go wash some dishes with the silence all around me. That is OK too. I was trying to remember Sweet lyrics today when taking a walk. I wanted to be able to sing this one particular song. But I couldn't remember. And my voice sounds bad to me. So I just let the sweet sounds be a memory!

a turn for the worse...a bad day

2008-03-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

what a day
sometimes life is unbearable, like some horrible inescapable situation such as having your teeth drilled and filled for hours and hours without stop.
you just want to say "ENOUGH!" but you can't because you have responsibilities.
And you can't kick people away who love you. So you just have to take it. You have to just open your mouth wide and let that big huge drill come in and inflict damage to your soft, quivering flesh.

I just want some peace in my life. I just want things to be OK for a change. I don't want people stressing me out all the time with their expectations of me. If I could do a better job, don't you think I would? I would! Everyone wants to feel masterful and effective. Nobody wants to feel like a huge loser who can't ever do anything right. It's an awful feeling to be confronted with your own deficiencies. But it's just the truth. In many ways, I am a total wreck.

I feel like people should just leave me alone because it is simply too easy to criticize me. In my rulebook, you do not kick a man when he's down. I'm DOWN. So leave me alone, OK??? Don't be so typical, so cowardly, so malicious as to criticize a person who is hurting and struggling to deal with their own life.

I know I am messed up. I really do. I lean on the Lord for all my well being. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I am POOR in Spirit. I am low. I see that I am hollow and I feel the intensity of my own ache. I lay myself out before Christ and then I see Him and feel Him lifting me up. It's a huge blessing. I don't have to hope in myself. I hope in the blessed hope.

But I have a hard time dealing with the demands of people around me. Everyone seems to criticize me. I have so little to give. I'm just trying to live my life. Leave me alone!!!!

food; Dickens; English; travel: Northern lights; Sweet!!!

2008-03-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm.....roasted chicken! I've got potatoes in the oven, roasting right now, with a little olive oil and Mediterranean spiced sea salt on them. This is actually a very healthy meal, if you add some veggies to half the plate. I have some nice organic broccoli in the freezer. I'll zap them in the microwave. I cook in the morning to avoid heating up the kitchen in the evening. I'd rather get all the smells and heat out by mid-day. Then you can just graze and eat what you want when you get hungry. So much better to do that than have big meals. (I'm trying to convince myself of this, as it is hard to stick to a healthier lifestyle!)

Now that the weather is heating up in California, I am committing myself to getting up and walking early in the morning. I want to start my day around 7, which is early for me. So I will walk by 8, then come home and cook by around 9. I should have everything taken care of by noon. Then the rest of the day is for play and exploration. In the afternoon, when it cools off, we can take a walk, my 2 year old daughter and me, and discover new exciting things in the neighborhood. Perhaps Mr. Squirrel will stop to talk with us. Or we will see some flowers, or a cat, or a dog, or the strangest animal of all...people.

I decided that if I achieve my goals for improving my health (there is a long story there and it's not worth talking about, but I have some health problems), then I will definitely take some guitar lessons somewhere fun such as a guitar shop. Until then, I'd better just take care of myself as, most of the time, I am feeling ill and completely mental. I wouldn't want to commit to being around strangers once a week when I still struggle on a daily basis to get up and go.

Last night, when I was giving my daughter a bath, I read to her from a new book I recently bought, "Martin Chuzzlewit" by Charles Dickens. I decided last year, after reading "Great Expectations" that I am a HUGE fan of Dickens because he was absolutely hilarious and had such a command of the English language. I adore him too much. I get a happy glow when I read him and I feel like a rush of warmth in my chest. My husband thinks it is funny how much I love Dickens. He said, when I read him the first page of Martin Chuzzlewit, "Isn't that a run-on sentence?" I adore him, adore him. I used to think that Dickens just wrote these long, boring, dark novels. But no. He was best known for being absolutely hilarious. Most of his novels are extremely funny. But I know he also wrote some dark novels such as Bleak House and Little Dorrit. I will read those someday, after I have read all Dickens' funny novels. Martin Chuzzlewit starts out with a bang. Dickens uses the whole first chapter to write this absurd history of the Chuzzlewit famiy, talking about how noble and refined they are, yet conveying absolutely that these people were horrible and low class. It is simply DIVINE, every single word of it.

So I was thinking last night about how grateful I am to have English as a first language because I adore Dickens so much. I don't know if he would be possible to read by someone who speaks English as a second language. I also got to thinking about how, of all the places I would like to visit someday, the countries I love, they are all English speaking: Australia, England, and Ireland. I appreciate all countries. But these are the places that I feel are calling to me. I don't know why that is. Kinda strange. But I have always loved those countries the best. I also want to visit Canada and Alaska someday, like make a big vacation of it and go really far North from where I currently live. I want to see the Northern lights someday. That would be amazing. I'd listen to Sweet on my iPod while watching the dancing lights in the sky. :-)

a fun day; a boring night

2008-03-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today was something special. I went to see some antique trains with my daughter. That's something I would never do unless I had a kid. But it was super fun. We crawled all through this old train car that looked as if it were from the late 1800's. Too fun!

Then I came home to find a couple packages from friends. They put me to shame with their kindness and generosity. I need to do random acts of kindness for others to brighten up their days too. It should ideally be for someone who you don't "owe" something to. Let it be truly random and cool like that.

Tonight, I am going to do the domestic thing and roast a chicken and work on my kitchen a little. Nothing major. But I plan to rock out with The Sweet all the while. I'll do my Brian Connolly impression with my yellow rubber gloves for washing dishes. Sadly, nobody will be here to witness my tragic performance. Anything to amuse myself. Kinda get sick of sitting at home all the time but it's a necessary thing at this stage in the journey.

iconoclastic people; Larry Norman

2008-03-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sitting up again with the Sweet youtube videos as my only companionship. I discovered a drink that I like a lot: mineral water with a little orange juice. My daughter thought it was gross. It's something for old people to sip when they are trying to be "healthy". I got to thinking earlier about how I always seem to be attracted to people who are a little controversial. I suppose you could say "free spirits" or unconventional or...there is a word for it. Hmmm.... Heterodox? No. Not heterodox. something with the word icon in it. Iconoclastic. That's it. People who smash the icons of what is expected of them. Defying the conventions, if they are conventions for conventions sake. I was thinking about this because recently, Larry Norman passed away. And I was watching some videos on youtube of him. He seriously defied everyone's expectations of him. There is something appealing about this type of person.

I'm attracted to free spirits. I like what Dietrich Bonhoeffer had to say about Christian community. He said that when we try to control other people based on our expectations of them, we do violence against their freedom in Christ to be who they are. I liked that. Instead of having illusions or opinions about how things should be, I should just be taking people for what they are, or what they are putting forward. Just let them be who they are, even if I think they are wrong. Of course, I'd speak up if someone was being really criminal or vile. But usually it's just a matter of people being "messy" and inconvenient.

rekindling

2008-03-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I shouldn't have given my game plan away, but I told my husband on the phone earlier that I was sad that he was not wildly in love with me when we were first dating. He denied it and said that he loves me. But I informed him that there is a difference between being in love (sometimes a comfortable feeling) and being wildly passionately in love. So I told him that it is my mission in life to make him wildly in love with me. He sounded really happy and intrigued. Perhaps this was in fact a cunning move on my part. To signal that the game is about to begin! Very sportsmanlike of me. This will be good.

I will make my husband love me with a passionate love

2008-03-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

I was a little sad last night because I realized that my husband was not wildly in love with me when we were first dating. I remember that I was totally in love with him, and that surprised me at the time because I thought my heart had been broken so many times that I would never feel that way about anyone again. So I decided that it is my mission in my life to stir up his emotions and cause him to fall deeply, passionately, wildly in love with me again. I will do anything it takes, including hair dye, cosmetic enhancements, leather clothing, and perhaps even some cunning games. I want to experience passion again before I push up daisies.

My Sweet playlist

2008-03-06T12:55:00.001-08:00

a new beginning

2008-03-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

This is my new beginning. I am going to reinvent myself and become healthier, happier, and wiser this year. This is the beginning of something good. I can feel it like it is already real. I am so glad to have the time and the health to be able to get back up on my feet and move forward. Thanks to God, I am still breathing. There is hope. Every day when the sun rises, I can look forward to something new. Where there is life, there is hope. Praises to God.