I've actually become more ill recently. Still have not heard what exactly is causing this. But I experienced more than 24 hours of nausea, low grade fever and chills. This is at least the third attack in the past month. So I went to the ER and spent 12 hours there, only to hear that they think it might be appendicitis. But they are not sure. So I have to follow up with my doctor. And if I get another fever or have pain, I need to go back to the ER. I'm worried but for some reason, I am also feeling fairly calm about it all. There is not much I can do aside from eat carefully and be cautious with myself right now. Time will tell what the problem is. I guess! I think my pain would steadily get worse if I have appendicitis. If the problem is gall bladder disease, I will gradually get sicker, I think.
It's all so boring being sick. I just want to go outside and be active because the weather is so beautiful here. It was cooler the past couple of days but still sunny. I did go to the local mall briefly today. And I took a short walk even though I feel ill.
Now I get to spend the rest of the evening alone because my husband is studying for a class he's taking.
I'm supposed to be making royal icing daisies, perhaps 5 or 6 dozen. I have to make a cake for my sister-in-law's baby shower. But I might have to disappoint her and cancel the order because of my health crisis. Perhaps tomorrow I will mix some icing and try to start. If I can get them all made this week, then maybe I can still do it. Otherwise, my health might become worse at some point.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
muscle cars are cool!
I'm seriously considering buying a muscle car. I just think they are cool. I am looking at pictures on the internet and considering the various makes and models. A friend just called so I'm talking to her. Friends, good friends, are great to have.
Monday, March 24, 2008
healthy eating; star trek; santa cruz, narrow gauge trains; Easter
I don't think I'll ever eat In 'n Out again. One chocolate shake (15 oz.) has more calories and fat grams than a comparable amount of chocolate ice cream (2 cups of Breyer's chocolate). And the only hamburger that is even remotely acceptable as far as calories and fat is the plain hamburger without the sauce on it. And what fun is that? It's a place you eat when you don't care about calories, sodium fat, etc. I have recently had a paradigm shift in my thinking about food. I just can't eat that way anymore. It's self abuse to eat fast food. I really don't think there is any healthy fast food. I was wondering if maybe El Pollo Loco might be considered somewhat more healthy. Perhaps that is one place to eat if I am absolutely desperate for a take-out meal:
http://www.elpolloloco.com/menu/healthydinning.html
Today was one of those days. We just rushed around trying to get everything done. The most fun I had was eating dinner and watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine with my husband. We have both become hardcore Trekkies. We've watched the whole original series of Star Trek in order, and then Star Trek: Next Generation, and now currently we are on Season 3 of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Next we might buy Star Trek: Voyager. And that's probably where we will stop. Or maybe we will stop with Deep Space Nine. It's hard to say where I draw the line because as I watch more and more of the different shows, I keep expanding my ideas of what I enjoy in the Star Trek universe. I have always liked sci-fi. So I guess it's natural to check out what Star Trek has to offer. There are a lot of great movies to buy or rent, not just the Star Trek movies, but I mean also the great 50's and 60's and 70's sci-fi movies. I also like fantasy movies. But I am definitely on a sci-fi kick these days.
I've been daydreaming about taking a weekend trip. I want to go to Santa Cruz and ride on the narrow gauge train from the beach to the redwood forest. That's a fun trip. I did it once before, many years ago. But time and money are hard to find these days.
Easter was a blast, by the way. I dressed my daughter up really cute. And she got a ton of neat Easter surprises: stuffed animals, books, toys, and a little bit of candy (all things safe for toddlers to eat, such as a couple chocolate eggs and some marshmallows). It's just a joy to see children enjoying things, at least when they are small enough to not be spoiled or jaded. I couldn't eat any candy but it was ok. I take that back, I had some jelly beans but avoided all the chocolate and cake. I brought some healthy chicken to eat, rather than having the pork. It kinda sucks having to be so careful with food. But almost everything makes me sick now. There was a mix-up at my doctor's office and I almost got lost in the mess. I had to call and straighten it out. Now I'll have to wait a little longer to get the necessary tests to figure out what is wrong with me. Hopefully it is nothing serious and I can get taken care of in an appropriate time frame.
http://www.elpolloloco.com/menu/healthydinning.html
Today was one of those days. We just rushed around trying to get everything done. The most fun I had was eating dinner and watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine with my husband. We have both become hardcore Trekkies. We've watched the whole original series of Star Trek in order, and then Star Trek: Next Generation, and now currently we are on Season 3 of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Next we might buy Star Trek: Voyager. And that's probably where we will stop. Or maybe we will stop with Deep Space Nine. It's hard to say where I draw the line because as I watch more and more of the different shows, I keep expanding my ideas of what I enjoy in the Star Trek universe. I have always liked sci-fi. So I guess it's natural to check out what Star Trek has to offer. There are a lot of great movies to buy or rent, not just the Star Trek movies, but I mean also the great 50's and 60's and 70's sci-fi movies. I also like fantasy movies. But I am definitely on a sci-fi kick these days.
I've been daydreaming about taking a weekend trip. I want to go to Santa Cruz and ride on the narrow gauge train from the beach to the redwood forest. That's a fun trip. I did it once before, many years ago. But time and money are hard to find these days.
Easter was a blast, by the way. I dressed my daughter up really cute. And she got a ton of neat Easter surprises: stuffed animals, books, toys, and a little bit of candy (all things safe for toddlers to eat, such as a couple chocolate eggs and some marshmallows). It's just a joy to see children enjoying things, at least when they are small enough to not be spoiled or jaded. I couldn't eat any candy but it was ok. I take that back, I had some jelly beans but avoided all the chocolate and cake. I brought some healthy chicken to eat, rather than having the pork. It kinda sucks having to be so careful with food. But almost everything makes me sick now. There was a mix-up at my doctor's office and I almost got lost in the mess. I had to call and straighten it out. Now I'll have to wait a little longer to get the necessary tests to figure out what is wrong with me. Hopefully it is nothing serious and I can get taken care of in an appropriate time frame.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
a disturbing day
This morning I woke up to the sound of my downstairs neighbors having a fight. I was tempted to just keep sleeping, but then something was thrown up at the ceiling so hard that I felt the vibration through my bed. We ended up calling the police. I am hoping that nobody was hurt. It is always scary to hear a domestic "disturbance" when you live in an apartment building.
Today I am feeling a little less nauseated because I am only eating fat-free foods: vegetables and soups and fruit, plus a small amount of saltine crackers. I have very little energy because I can't eat very much. But I am glad that my stomach seems to be able to digest something. I hope that I can get this problem resolved very soon. Need to call the doctor!
Easter is just around the corner. I thought it was funny that on the list of acceptable foods (for my medical condition), it mentioned the jelly beans are OK for me to have. I guess I can celebrate by keeping a pocketful of jelly beans to nibble on. Woo-wee!
Today I am feeling a little less nauseated because I am only eating fat-free foods: vegetables and soups and fruit, plus a small amount of saltine crackers. I have very little energy because I can't eat very much. But I am glad that my stomach seems to be able to digest something. I hope that I can get this problem resolved very soon. Need to call the doctor!
Easter is just around the corner. I thought it was funny that on the list of acceptable foods (for my medical condition), it mentioned the jelly beans are OK for me to have. I guess I can celebrate by keeping a pocketful of jelly beans to nibble on. Woo-wee!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
grotesque figures of the most gorgeous kind
I'm still sick and I am still reading Martin Chuzzlewit. What an amazing book. Everytime I sit down and read a few pages, I am rewarded so much. An early reviewer says (of the characters): "grotesque figures of the most gorgeous kind". Those are my favorite kind of people!
Here is a wonderful description of a new character named Montague Tigg:
The gentleman was of that order of appearance which is currently termed shabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly be said to have been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long way out of his gloves, and the soles of his feet were at an inconvenient distance from the upper leather of his boots. His nether garments were of a bluish grey -- violent in its colours once, but sobered now by age and dinginess -- and were so stretched and strained in a tough conflict between his braces and his straps, that they appeared every moment in danger of flying asunder at the knees. His coat, in colour blue and of a military cut, was buttoned and frogged up to his chin. His cravat was, in hue and pattern, like one of those mantles which hairdressers are accustomed to wrap about their clients, during the progress of the professional mysteries. His hat had arrived at such a pass that it would have been hard to determine whether it was originally white or black. But he wore a moustache -- a shaggy moustache too: nothing in the meek and merciful way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style: the regular Satanic sort of thing -- and he wore, besides, a vast quantity of unbrushed hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and very mean; very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who might have been something better, and unspeakably like a man who deserved to be something worse.
`You were eaves-dropping at that door, you vagabond!' said this gentleman.
Mr. Pecksniff cast him off, as Saint George might have repudiated the Dragon in that animal's last moments, and said:
`Where is Mrs. Lupin, I wonder! can the good woman possibly be aware that there is a person here who --'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now...back to being ill...
Here is a wonderful description of a new character named Montague Tigg:
The gentleman was of that order of appearance which is currently termed shabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly be said to have been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long way out of his gloves, and the soles of his feet were at an inconvenient distance from the upper leather of his boots. His nether garments were of a bluish grey -- violent in its colours once, but sobered now by age and dinginess -- and were so stretched and strained in a tough conflict between his braces and his straps, that they appeared every moment in danger of flying asunder at the knees. His coat, in colour blue and of a military cut, was buttoned and frogged up to his chin. His cravat was, in hue and pattern, like one of those mantles which hairdressers are accustomed to wrap about their clients, during the progress of the professional mysteries. His hat had arrived at such a pass that it would have been hard to determine whether it was originally white or black. But he wore a moustache -- a shaggy moustache too: nothing in the meek and merciful way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style: the regular Satanic sort of thing -- and he wore, besides, a vast quantity of unbrushed hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and very mean; very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who might have been something better, and unspeakably like a man who deserved to be something worse.
`You were eaves-dropping at that door, you vagabond!' said this gentleman.
Mr. Pecksniff cast him off, as Saint George might have repudiated the Dragon in that animal's last moments, and said:
`Where is Mrs. Lupin, I wonder! can the good woman possibly be aware that there is a person here who --'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now...back to being ill...
Monday, March 17, 2008
I'm sick!
Yesterday was quite surreal. I became violently ill at my husband's parents' house. After about 2 or 3 hours of agony, I was finally able to leave and drive home. Thankfully, I wasn't ill in the car. It's a long drive of over an hour. Last night, I had trouble sleeping but then this morning, I woke up feeling almost totally improved. I think that I am OK now. But I made an appointment with my doctor to see if perhaps I am suffering from an organ problem. It seems suspicious that I have had 2 serious attacks like this in less than a month.
Today, I am going to try to visit my parents at some point so that we can have some corned beef and potatoes. I'm a little nervous about eating something like that. But I think it will be a good test to see if fatty food makes me sick again. Then I will strongly suspect gall bladder stones. Let's hope it is not. I don't want any surgery!
My daughter had fun yesterday playing with her cousin, Colin. They chased each other for about an hour straight. Now she is sleeping in and seems content to stay in bed despite the fact that it is almost 10 a.m. Everyone was loving on her. Her new haircut (a pageboy hair cut) was adored by all.
I am worried about my health. I'm trying to lose some weight. Having a gall bladder problem would make the whole thing more difficult, I think. I have to trust in the Lord because my very breath is in his hands. "the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways" (Daniel 5:23 NKJV)
That's so sweet. My mother-in-law just called to see how I am feeling. She wants me to go to the doctor tomorrow, even if I have to see the doctor on call. I might go if I feel ill again.
Right now I feel pretty normal. Just hungry. But I am being cautious and just ate some dry toast and had a cup of tea.
One thing I am disappointed about is that I am having to drop out of a Parent Education class because of my inability to attend for the past month. I have been ill so much and have missed 4 classes in a row. The teacher was very understanding but I finally told her to drop me from the roster because I think I'm seriously ill.
I want more than anything to improve my health, lose weight, get strong, and have a great time over the next few years. I guess it is important to get medical treatment. But I would like to be able to just get better on my own by eating healthy and getting exercise. Time will tell what it is going to be: medical misery or healthy improvement.
Today, I am going to try to visit my parents at some point so that we can have some corned beef and potatoes. I'm a little nervous about eating something like that. But I think it will be a good test to see if fatty food makes me sick again. Then I will strongly suspect gall bladder stones. Let's hope it is not. I don't want any surgery!
My daughter had fun yesterday playing with her cousin, Colin. They chased each other for about an hour straight. Now she is sleeping in and seems content to stay in bed despite the fact that it is almost 10 a.m. Everyone was loving on her. Her new haircut (a pageboy hair cut) was adored by all.
I am worried about my health. I'm trying to lose some weight. Having a gall bladder problem would make the whole thing more difficult, I think. I have to trust in the Lord because my very breath is in his hands. "the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways" (Daniel 5:23 NKJV)
That's so sweet. My mother-in-law just called to see how I am feeling. She wants me to go to the doctor tomorrow, even if I have to see the doctor on call. I might go if I feel ill again.
Right now I feel pretty normal. Just hungry. But I am being cautious and just ate some dry toast and had a cup of tea.
One thing I am disappointed about is that I am having to drop out of a Parent Education class because of my inability to attend for the past month. I have been ill so much and have missed 4 classes in a row. The teacher was very understanding but I finally told her to drop me from the roster because I think I'm seriously ill.
I want more than anything to improve my health, lose weight, get strong, and have a great time over the next few years. I guess it is important to get medical treatment. But I would like to be able to just get better on my own by eating healthy and getting exercise. Time will tell what it is going to be: medical misery or healthy improvement.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I am so tired right now. I spent the day well, doing the things I need to do to have a healthy day. I went on a walk and enjoyed the light rain in Los Angeles right now. It felt good to let myself get rained on a little. Why not? I noticed that nobody was at the park, and so a little rain scared everyone away. I have to go lay out my clothes for tomorrow. I need to be up bright and early. Hopefully all will be quiet tonight. I have trouble sleeping if there is any noise at all.
I wish that the whole world and every living creature upon it was under my control. I would make everyone be nice all the time. It might be a boring world but I would be happy. Everyone would love each other and be charming, all the time. If people had to be miserable, at least they could be clever about it, like some characters in a Dickens novel.
enough for now. everyone must go to bed. I am tired. Be nice over there. *lights out*
I wish that the whole world and every living creature upon it was under my control. I would make everyone be nice all the time. It might be a boring world but I would be happy. Everyone would love each other and be charming, all the time. If people had to be miserable, at least they could be clever about it, like some characters in a Dickens novel.
enough for now. everyone must go to bed. I am tired. Be nice over there. *lights out*
Friday, March 14, 2008
a much much much better day
The beauty of sleep...
waking up with a new mood and a new perspective
having new stores of energy
wanting to start again
Today was a good day! So far, I have:
1. Played
2. Prayed
3. Eaten good food
4. Listened to music I love
5. Talked with sweet people
6. Received a package in the mail from a friend (!!!)
7. Received more Sweet photos from a lovely person
8. Seen purple flowers so bright they make your soul feel tight in your chest
9. Kissed and hugged my husband
10. Heard my daughter say "I love you momma" for the very first time (!!!!!)
Too many blessings are coming my way. It's a happy feeling. So I can forgive and forget the bad things. I have to look forward to what is coming and move forward with as much dignity as I can. Although I still mess up and do dumb things. Having a sense of humor is very good for being able to cope with the stresses of life.
So I quote Larry Norman: "Come on! Come on! Let the tape keep rolling! Let your faith keep growing! Let your love keep showing!" Yeah that is so good.
I wish my daughter would wake up from her nap so that I can crank up some Sweet! I guess I'll go wash some dishes with the silence all around me. That is OK too. I was trying to remember Sweet lyrics today when taking a walk. I wanted to be able to sing this one particular song. But I couldn't remember. And my voice sounds bad to me. So I just let the sweet sounds be a memory!
waking up with a new mood and a new perspective
having new stores of energy
wanting to start again
Today was a good day! So far, I have:
1. Played
2. Prayed
3. Eaten good food
4. Listened to music I love
5. Talked with sweet people
6. Received a package in the mail from a friend (!!!)
7. Received more Sweet photos from a lovely person
8. Seen purple flowers so bright they make your soul feel tight in your chest
9. Kissed and hugged my husband
10. Heard my daughter say "I love you momma" for the very first time (!!!!!)
Too many blessings are coming my way. It's a happy feeling. So I can forgive and forget the bad things. I have to look forward to what is coming and move forward with as much dignity as I can. Although I still mess up and do dumb things. Having a sense of humor is very good for being able to cope with the stresses of life.
So I quote Larry Norman: "Come on! Come on! Let the tape keep rolling! Let your faith keep growing! Let your love keep showing!" Yeah that is so good.
I wish my daughter would wake up from her nap so that I can crank up some Sweet! I guess I'll go wash some dishes with the silence all around me. That is OK too. I was trying to remember Sweet lyrics today when taking a walk. I wanted to be able to sing this one particular song. But I couldn't remember. And my voice sounds bad to me. So I just let the sweet sounds be a memory!
a turn for the worse...a bad day
what a day
sometimes life is unbearable, like some horrible inescapable situation such as having your teeth drilled and filled for hours and hours without stop.
you just want to say "ENOUGH!" but you can't because you have responsibilities.
And you can't kick people away who love you. So you just have to take it. You have to just open your mouth wide and let that big huge drill come in and inflict damage to your soft, quivering flesh.
I just want some peace in my life. I just want things to be OK for a change. I don't want people stressing me out all the time with their expectations of me. If I could do a better job, don't you think I would? I would! Everyone wants to feel masterful and effective. Nobody wants to feel like a huge loser who can't ever do anything right. It's an awful feeling to be confronted with your own deficiencies. But it's just the truth. In many ways, I am a total wreck.
I feel like people should just leave me alone because it is simply too easy to criticize me. In my rulebook, you do not kick a man when he's down. I'm DOWN. So leave me alone, OK??? Don't be so typical, so cowardly, so malicious as to criticize a person who is hurting and struggling to deal with their own life.
I know I am messed up. I really do. I lean on the Lord for all my well being. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I am POOR in Spirit. I am low. I see that I am hollow and I feel the intensity of my own ache. I lay myself out before Christ and then I see Him and feel Him lifting me up. It's a huge blessing. I don't have to hope in myself. I hope in the blessed hope.
But I have a hard time dealing with the demands of people around me. Everyone seems to criticize me. I have so little to give. I'm just trying to live my life. Leave me alone!!!!
sometimes life is unbearable, like some horrible inescapable situation such as having your teeth drilled and filled for hours and hours without stop.
you just want to say "ENOUGH!" but you can't because you have responsibilities.
And you can't kick people away who love you. So you just have to take it. You have to just open your mouth wide and let that big huge drill come in and inflict damage to your soft, quivering flesh.
I just want some peace in my life. I just want things to be OK for a change. I don't want people stressing me out all the time with their expectations of me. If I could do a better job, don't you think I would? I would! Everyone wants to feel masterful and effective. Nobody wants to feel like a huge loser who can't ever do anything right. It's an awful feeling to be confronted with your own deficiencies. But it's just the truth. In many ways, I am a total wreck.
I feel like people should just leave me alone because it is simply too easy to criticize me. In my rulebook, you do not kick a man when he's down. I'm DOWN. So leave me alone, OK??? Don't be so typical, so cowardly, so malicious as to criticize a person who is hurting and struggling to deal with their own life.
I know I am messed up. I really do. I lean on the Lord for all my well being. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I am POOR in Spirit. I am low. I see that I am hollow and I feel the intensity of my own ache. I lay myself out before Christ and then I see Him and feel Him lifting me up. It's a huge blessing. I don't have to hope in myself. I hope in the blessed hope.
But I have a hard time dealing with the demands of people around me. Everyone seems to criticize me. I have so little to give. I'm just trying to live my life. Leave me alone!!!!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
food; Dickens; English; travel: Northern lights; Sweet!!!
Mmmmm.....roasted chicken! I've got potatoes in the oven, roasting right now, with a little olive oil and Mediterranean spiced sea salt on them. This is actually a very healthy meal, if you add some veggies to half the plate. I have some nice organic broccoli in the freezer. I'll zap them in the microwave. I cook in the morning to avoid heating up the kitchen in the evening. I'd rather get all the smells and heat out by mid-day. Then you can just graze and eat what you want when you get hungry. So much better to do that than have big meals. (I'm trying to convince myself of this, as it is hard to stick to a healthier lifestyle!)
Now that the weather is heating up in California, I am committing myself to getting up and walking early in the morning. I want to start my day around 7, which is early for me. So I will walk by 8, then come home and cook by around 9. I should have everything taken care of by noon. Then the rest of the day is for play and exploration. In the afternoon, when it cools off, we can take a walk, my 2 year old daughter and me, and discover new exciting things in the neighborhood. Perhaps Mr. Squirrel will stop to talk with us. Or we will see some flowers, or a cat, or a dog, or the strangest animal of all...people.
I decided that if I achieve my goals for improving my health (there is a long story there and it's not worth talking about, but I have some health problems), then I will definitely take some guitar lessons somewhere fun such as a guitar shop. Until then, I'd better just take care of myself as, most of the time, I am feeling ill and completely mental. I wouldn't want to commit to being around strangers once a week when I still struggle on a daily basis to get up and go.
Last night, when I was giving my daughter a bath, I read to her from a new book I recently bought, "Martin Chuzzlewit" by Charles Dickens. I decided last year, after reading "Great Expectations" that I am a HUGE fan of Dickens because he was absolutely hilarious and had such a command of the English language. I adore him too much. I get a happy glow when I read him and I feel like a rush of warmth in my chest. My husband thinks it is funny how much I love Dickens. He said, when I read him the first page of Martin Chuzzlewit, "Isn't that a run-on sentence?" I adore him, adore him. I used to think that Dickens just wrote these long, boring, dark novels. But no. He was best known for being absolutely hilarious. Most of his novels are extremely funny. But I know he also wrote some dark novels such as Bleak House and Little Dorrit. I will read those someday, after I have read all Dickens' funny novels. Martin Chuzzlewit starts out with a bang. Dickens uses the whole first chapter to write this absurd history of the Chuzzlewit famiy, talking about how noble and refined they are, yet conveying absolutely that these people were horrible and low class. It is simply DIVINE, every single word of it.
So I was thinking last night about how grateful I am to have English as a first language because I adore Dickens so much. I don't know if he would be possible to read by someone who speaks English as a second language. I also got to thinking about how, of all the places I would like to visit someday, the countries I love, they are all English speaking: Australia, England, and Ireland. I appreciate all countries. But these are the places that I feel are calling to me. I don't know why that is. Kinda strange. But I have always loved those countries the best. I also want to visit Canada and Alaska someday, like make a big vacation of it and go really far North from where I currently live. I want to see the Northern lights someday. That would be amazing. I'd listen to Sweet on my iPod while watching the dancing lights in the sky. :-)
Now that the weather is heating up in California, I am committing myself to getting up and walking early in the morning. I want to start my day around 7, which is early for me. So I will walk by 8, then come home and cook by around 9. I should have everything taken care of by noon. Then the rest of the day is for play and exploration. In the afternoon, when it cools off, we can take a walk, my 2 year old daughter and me, and discover new exciting things in the neighborhood. Perhaps Mr. Squirrel will stop to talk with us. Or we will see some flowers, or a cat, or a dog, or the strangest animal of all...people.
I decided that if I achieve my goals for improving my health (there is a long story there and it's not worth talking about, but I have some health problems), then I will definitely take some guitar lessons somewhere fun such as a guitar shop. Until then, I'd better just take care of myself as, most of the time, I am feeling ill and completely mental. I wouldn't want to commit to being around strangers once a week when I still struggle on a daily basis to get up and go.
Last night, when I was giving my daughter a bath, I read to her from a new book I recently bought, "Martin Chuzzlewit" by Charles Dickens. I decided last year, after reading "Great Expectations" that I am a HUGE fan of Dickens because he was absolutely hilarious and had such a command of the English language. I adore him too much. I get a happy glow when I read him and I feel like a rush of warmth in my chest. My husband thinks it is funny how much I love Dickens. He said, when I read him the first page of Martin Chuzzlewit, "Isn't that a run-on sentence?" I adore him, adore him. I used to think that Dickens just wrote these long, boring, dark novels. But no. He was best known for being absolutely hilarious. Most of his novels are extremely funny. But I know he also wrote some dark novels such as Bleak House and Little Dorrit. I will read those someday, after I have read all Dickens' funny novels. Martin Chuzzlewit starts out with a bang. Dickens uses the whole first chapter to write this absurd history of the Chuzzlewit famiy, talking about how noble and refined they are, yet conveying absolutely that these people were horrible and low class. It is simply DIVINE, every single word of it.
So I was thinking last night about how grateful I am to have English as a first language because I adore Dickens so much. I don't know if he would be possible to read by someone who speaks English as a second language. I also got to thinking about how, of all the places I would like to visit someday, the countries I love, they are all English speaking: Australia, England, and Ireland. I appreciate all countries. But these are the places that I feel are calling to me. I don't know why that is. Kinda strange. But I have always loved those countries the best. I also want to visit Canada and Alaska someday, like make a big vacation of it and go really far North from where I currently live. I want to see the Northern lights someday. That would be amazing. I'd listen to Sweet on my iPod while watching the dancing lights in the sky. :-)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
a fun day; a boring night
Today was something special. I went to see some antique trains with my daughter. That's something I would never do unless I had a kid. But it was super fun. We crawled all through this old train car that looked as if it were from the late 1800's. Too fun!
Then I came home to find a couple packages from friends. They put me to shame with their kindness and generosity. I need to do random acts of kindness for others to brighten up their days too. It should ideally be for someone who you don't "owe" something to. Let it be truly random and cool like that.
Tonight, I am going to do the domestic thing and roast a chicken and work on my kitchen a little. Nothing major. But I plan to rock out with The Sweet all the while. I'll do my Brian Connolly impression with my yellow rubber gloves for washing dishes. Sadly, nobody will be here to witness my tragic performance. Anything to amuse myself. Kinda get sick of sitting at home all the time but it's a necessary thing at this stage in the journey.
Then I came home to find a couple packages from friends. They put me to shame with their kindness and generosity. I need to do random acts of kindness for others to brighten up their days too. It should ideally be for someone who you don't "owe" something to. Let it be truly random and cool like that.
Tonight, I am going to do the domestic thing and roast a chicken and work on my kitchen a little. Nothing major. But I plan to rock out with The Sweet all the while. I'll do my Brian Connolly impression with my yellow rubber gloves for washing dishes. Sadly, nobody will be here to witness my tragic performance. Anything to amuse myself. Kinda get sick of sitting at home all the time but it's a necessary thing at this stage in the journey.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
iconoclastic people; Larry Norman
Sitting up again with the Sweet youtube videos as my only companionship. I discovered a drink that I like a lot: mineral water with a little orange juice. My daughter thought it was gross. It's something for old people to sip when they are trying to be "healthy". I got to thinking earlier about how I always seem to be attracted to people who are a little controversial. I suppose you could say "free spirits" or unconventional or...there is a word for it. Hmmm.... Heterodox? No. Not heterodox. something with the word icon in it. Iconoclastic. That's it. People who smash the icons of what is expected of them. Defying the conventions, if they are conventions for conventions sake. I was thinking about this because recently, Larry Norman passed away. And I was watching some videos on youtube of him. He seriously defied everyone's expectations of him. There is something appealing about this type of person.
I'm attracted to free spirits. I like what Dietrich Bonhoeffer had to say about Christian community. He said that when we try to control other people based on our expectations of them, we do violence against their freedom in Christ to be who they are. I liked that. Instead of having illusions or opinions about how things should be, I should just be taking people for what they are, or what they are putting forward. Just let them be who they are, even if I think they are wrong. Of course, I'd speak up if someone was being really criminal or vile. But usually it's just a matter of people being "messy" and inconvenient.
I'm attracted to free spirits. I like what Dietrich Bonhoeffer had to say about Christian community. He said that when we try to control other people based on our expectations of them, we do violence against their freedom in Christ to be who they are. I liked that. Instead of having illusions or opinions about how things should be, I should just be taking people for what they are, or what they are putting forward. Just let them be who they are, even if I think they are wrong. Of course, I'd speak up if someone was being really criminal or vile. But usually it's just a matter of people being "messy" and inconvenient.
rekindling
Perhaps I shouldn't have given my game plan away, but I told my husband on the phone earlier that I was sad that he was not wildly in love with me when we were first dating. He denied it and said that he loves me. But I informed him that there is a difference between being in love (sometimes a comfortable feeling) and being wildly passionately in love. So I told him that it is my mission in life to make him wildly in love with me. He sounded really happy and intrigued. Perhaps this was in fact a cunning move on my part. To signal that the game is about to begin! Very sportsmanlike of me. This will be good.
I will make my husband love me with a passionate love
I was a little sad last night because I realized that my husband was not wildly in love with me when we were first dating. I remember that I was totally in love with him, and that surprised me at the time because I thought my heart had been broken so many times that I would never feel that way about anyone again. So I decided that it is my mission in my life to stir up his emotions and cause him to fall deeply, passionately, wildly in love with me again. I will do anything it takes, including hair dye, cosmetic enhancements, leather clothing, and perhaps even some cunning games. I want to experience passion again before I push up daisies.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
a new beginning
This is my new beginning. I am going to reinvent myself and become healthier, happier, and wiser this year. This is the beginning of something good. I can feel it like it is already real. I am so glad to have the time and the health to be able to get back up on my feet and move forward. Thanks to God, I am still breathing. There is hope. Every day when the sun rises, I can look forward to something new. Where there is life, there is hope. Praises to God.
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