I was thinking today about how I always have this feeling like I don't belong anywhere and I don't fit in well with any group of people. I always like people a lot and want to get along. But then something in me starts whispering, "You're a rolling stone, with no direction home, like a complete unknown..." to quote Bob Dylan badly.
It's just a feeling. But I do feel profoundly alienated at times. If it weren't for having family (no matter the arguments and bad feelings at times), I would have no sense of belonging at all. I don't feel completely accepted by family. I have troubled relationships with some of my family members, but for the most part, we accept each other, warts and all. There is a comforting consistency in the relationship, even in the dysfunctional behaviors.
Today I was at a local park and I had a realization. I live in an ethnic neighborhood. I sometimes hear people say bad things about the immigrant class that lives here. But I realized that the reason people hate immigrants is because they have a sense of community and we "Americans" don't, for the most part. We can't stand that they make an effort to live near each other and that they congregate together, and they shop at their little hole in the wall stores. They talk to each other. They have their elderly parents living with the adult children, and I see the grand parents bringing the grand kids to the park. They seem to know each other. It's really cool, actually.
I will never experience that in my life...that is unless I joined a hardcore religious society or cult. So I think that explains to some degree my feeling of being in a no man's land, or being lost somewhere without a clue as to how to get back where I belong. Where do I belong? I have a neighborhood that I grew up in, but I can't afford to live there anymore. I can visit my mom and dad from time to time, but they have made it clear that I am not welcome to ever move back in. I admit to sometimes having fantasies that I can move back home and live in my old bedroom. But I can't turn back time. I can't go back. My past is dead to me and I have to move forward without a clear sense of direction or destination. I move from one place to another, seeking something better and finding new problems wherever I go. It's a weird feeling.
I'm not saying my life is horrible. It's just puzzling. My life is worse than mysterious, it is a conundrum. I'm comfortable with not knowing exactly why things happen the way they do. I think that is because I have faith in the supreme intelligence and goodness of God. But I don't expect any hints or leadings. I just find that life continues on with a sense of my not having a clue as to why things happen the way they do.
They say that when you are at the end of your life, things make sense as you look back over the whole lifetime of events. But is that really true? Don't a lot of people get rather confused and senile when the reach the upper numbers of their lifespan?
Ok, I'm just in a creepy, outer limits sort of mood. I think I will watch some outer limits tonight! Now that makes good sense!
How does it feel?
How does it feel,
To be on your own,
With no direction home,
Like a complete unknown,
Like a rolling stone?
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