a turn for the worse...a bad day

what a day
sometimes life is unbearable, like some horrible inescapable situation such as having your teeth drilled and filled for hours and hours without stop.
you just want to say "ENOUGH!" but you can't because you have responsibilities.
And you can't kick people away who love you. So you just have to take it. You have to just open your mouth wide and let that big huge drill come in and inflict damage to your soft, quivering flesh.

I just want some peace in my life. I just want things to be OK for a change. I don't want people stressing me out all the time with their expectations of me. If I could do a better job, don't you think I would? I would! Everyone wants to feel masterful and effective. Nobody wants to feel like a huge loser who can't ever do anything right. It's an awful feeling to be confronted with your own deficiencies. But it's just the truth. In many ways, I am a total wreck.

I feel like people should just leave me alone because it is simply too easy to criticize me. In my rulebook, you do not kick a man when he's down. I'm DOWN. So leave me alone, OK??? Don't be so typical, so cowardly, so malicious as to criticize a person who is hurting and struggling to deal with their own life.

I know I am messed up. I really do. I lean on the Lord for all my well being. Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." I am POOR in Spirit. I am low. I see that I am hollow and I feel the intensity of my own ache. I lay myself out before Christ and then I see Him and feel Him lifting me up. It's a huge blessing. I don't have to hope in myself. I hope in the blessed hope.

But I have a hard time dealing with the demands of people around me. Everyone seems to criticize me. I have so little to give. I'm just trying to live my life. Leave me alone!!!!